


Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

by Love_andbalance



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Infidelity, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Falling In Love, Oral Sex, Temptation, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:08:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Love_andbalance/pseuds/Love_andbalance
Summary: Be careful little eyes what you seeIt's the second glance that ties your handsAs darkness pulls the strings- Slow Fade by Casting CrownsWhen Ben Solo accepted an invitation to attend his coworker's housewarming party, he never expected to meet the woman of his dreams and fall head over heels in love at first sight, but that's exactly what happened.The only problem? He attended this party with his girlfriend and now he doesn't know what to do.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 26
Kudos: 125





	1. Slow Fade

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Adam's cut SNL skit from January 2020 and the song Slow Fade by Casting Crowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a slow fade when you give yourself away- Slow Fade, Casting Crowns

Ben Solo knew it was over for him the moment he saw her...He knew it when the sight of her hit him in square in the gut and left him gasping for air.

There wasn’t supposed to have been one damn thing special or interesting about today. A boring housewarming party for a coworker and his boyfriend, just like all the others. He liked Poe well enough, and he seemed happy with Finn, but Ben wasn’t particularly close to his coworkers.

He had only come because that’s what people did. It was social. It was expected. Drop by, bring a gift and maybe a bottle of wine. Stay for a few boring games and some mediocre food and then hit the drive-through burger joint on the way home.

It was so simple, until the moment that it wasn’t.

She walked in the door with a few other people he had never seen before, a pale red-haired man and his sweet girlfriend that had a quick and ready smile, that he assumed were friends of Finn’s. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

He tried to watch her surreptitiously as she smiled at his hosts, her genuine warmth and enjoyment evident from the bright flash of even white teeth and the enthusiasm of the hugs she handed out to everyone she knew.

Her hair was brown and pulled back to frame a delicate face, leaving just a few wisps free to dance around her neck and her temples. She had a wide, innocent smile, a pert nose with a dusting of freckles, and large hazel eyes.

Most of the guests hadn’t dressed up for the party, but she was a vision in pink silk, with sleeves and a large band down the center of her top that were covered only in sheer fabric or matching pink lace, allowing the skin beneath to tantalize the imagination.

Had he ever noticed a woman’s jewelry before? It seemed absurd but there was nothing on earth more fascinating to him than the way the necklaces she wore, slim gold chains with pink pendants that matched her clothes, shimmered under the artificial lights.

Everyone else was laughing, talking, eating chips and questionable guacamole, while he was having a religious, out of body experience in his coworker’s living room.

"Ben? Is everything ok?” The woman’s voice was familiar and concerned.

He jumped, startled and guilty because he had absolutely, and soul crushingly forgotten his girlfriend’s existence.

He cleared his throat and tried to smile. “Yes, everything’s fine.” He reached for her hand and she smiled at him, reassured that his odd behavior was not a cause for concern.

He hated lying to her, but he knew he had no choice.

Phasma was tall, blonde, and beautiful. They been dating for over a year and she had always been very good to him. He loved her. He really did.

But she had never made him feel like he felt looking at a stranger across a crowded room.

His stranger looked up suddenly and found him staring at her. She gave him a puzzled smile and he wished he could have disappeared. He should have done something different with his hair or worn anything at all except a green plaid shirt that made him feel so boring and predictable compared to her.

What the hell was he even thinking? He shouldn’t even be looking at her, or thinking about her, and certainly not thinking about what he might have done differently to impress her.

He should leave, right now, and put her out of his mind before…Before what? He didn’t know. But whatever it was, he was sure he would regret it.

“Come on, Ben, Poe wants to start the games. He says he likes trivia.” Phasma rolled her eyes. She hated trivia.

Ben didn’t though. He was good at trivia, and honestly too competitive.

Phasma chose a spot on the couch and he sat next to her, draping one arm behind her as he always did.

He felt the presence beside him as the couch dipped again and he didn’t have to turn his head to know who had chosen the seat beside him. He knew if he looked that he would be close enough to see the pattern of the pink lace she wore, the design of the pendants on her necklaces.

He could already smell the perfume she was wearing. Something soft and floral and feminine.

It would be rude not to say anything, so he turned toward with a forced half smile. “Hello.” It wasn’t a gracious welcome, but she looked entirely undisturbed.

She flashed a bright, quick smile at him and extended her hand, which he was then obligated to take. “I’m Rey, nice to meet you!”

Her hand was so small and incredibly soft. He forgot for a moment what he was supposed to be doing and held on to it just a second too long. Rey looked at him, just a hint of confusion in her eyes.

“I’m Ben. This is Phasma.” He gestured to his other side and Phasma leaned around him to say hello as Poe and Finn came in with popcorn and trivia games.

The competition was good natured for the most part, but he soon realized he wasn’t the only one with a love of trivia and a strong competitive streak.

Soon the rest of the room feel into silence and he and Rey tried to best each other, each of them determined to answer each question faster than the other.

Her eyes narrowed and her body tensed as she leaned forward, eyes on his as they waited for the reader to ask the next question.

“Disney”, she blurted, a split second faster than him. Damn.

“The Nile,” he spat, grabbing the next one before she could pounce on it.

“1492!”

“Alexander the Great!”

“Mount St. Helen!”

He wasn’t sure exactly when they had risen to their feet, but suddenly she was standing in front of him and all he could focus on was the challenge in her eyes and the shape of lips.

He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her right there in front of everyone, to claim her and make sure she never left him. But he didn’t even know her and all of this was insane.

“Ben?” Phasma’s voice cut through the now uncomfortable silence. “Ben, I think we should go.”

Rey’s cheeks were suddenly pink, and she turned away, walking out of the room muttering some excuse about not feeling well.

Phasma pulled on his arm, and he went without protest. The drive back to his house was silent and full of unspoken questions.

Phasma didn’t ask to stay this time and she was back to herself when she called him the next morning. That would be the end of it, then. There was no reason that he should ever have to see Rey again.

He was both relieved and devastated by that realization.

When his phone rang that afternoon, he almost didn’t answer it. He never answered for numbers he didn’t recognize but some instinct told him it might be important.

“Hello?”

“Oh, yes, hi! This is Rey…you know, from last night?”

His heart was pounding. Why was she calling him?

“Yes, I remember.” He sounded so rude and formal. She was going to hate him.

“Good, that’s good. I just wanted to call and apologize, for whatever that was last night. Poe and Finn didn’t want to give me your number, but your girlfriend seemed upset and I felt awful about it.”

Girlfriend? Oh, right. Phasma.

“She was fine,” he lied. “I just get a little too competitive sometimes, you know?”

She laughter was magical, like bells ringing or angels singing. He wanted to hear it again.

“Me, too,” she said finally. “Actually, if your girlfriend wouldn’t mind, there’s a trivia night at this little bar I know. I thought you might want to go sometime? None of my other friends like trivia games.”

His thoughts drifted briefly to Phasma, but his thoughts wouldn’t stay there. They kept dragging him back to the picture of Rey’s skin under pink lace.

“Sure, I really like trivia.”


	2. Turned to Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray- Slow Fade, Casting Crowns

She was wearing blue today. The color made her eyes so vibrant that it almost hurt him to look at her. It was a silk, flowing top that left her shoulders bare and she had paired it with tight black pants.

She still smelled like flowers.

It was his third week of trivia night. The bar was small but lively, and she seemed so genuinely happy to be here.

The competition was set up for teams of two, so it was just them at a small table near the back. They had won last week, and tonight was looking pretty good, too.

She kept smiling at him every time they scored another point and casually bumping his leg with her own, brushing her hand against his arm as she reached for her drink.

It was killing him. He knew he shouldn’t be here. Every time he saw her it made it worse. He had memorized every line of her face, the tinkling sound of her laugh, the feel of her skin from every accidental touch.

It still wasn’t enough. He wanted more of her. He wanted everything if he was being entirely honest, which he was trying very hard not to be, even with himself.

“I think that other team is cheating,” she muttered, peaking around him to get a better view of the table next to theirs that was now three points ahead of them.

“Maybe she’s hiding her phone under the table?” he replied, laughing when her eyes narrowed, and she tried to lean down and peek beneath their table for evidence.

She took everything so seriously.

“So, how’s everything with your girlfriend? What was her name? Phasma?” It was the first time Rey had asked about Phasma since she called to invite him to trivia night, and he choked on his beer.

“She’s fine,” he said. That much was true, she _was_ fine. She just didn’t know that she had reason not to be. He hadn’t told her about trivia night or Rey. As far as Phasma knew, he had been busier than usual at work and hadn’t had time to see her as often as usual.

He pressed the guilt of that away. It wasn’t like he was actually doing anything wrong, even if he knew Phasma wouldn’t be thrilled about it. Rey wasn’t interested in him and he didn’t intend to pursue her at all. He just wanted to sit next to her on trivia on night and enjoy her company.

Rey reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly when the other team missed their question. They were now only two points behind, but he couldn’t think straight when her hand was on his.

It was a good thing she knew the answer to the next question, because he didn’t even hear what it was. He couldn’t hear anything over the roar of his own heart in his ears.

He waited a moment, then a few moments more, for her to let go of him, but she casually held on as they passed through another round of questions.

When she finally let go it was to grab her drink, a fruity blue concoction that had a tiny umbrella, and bring it to her lips.

He watched her, mesmerized by slick pink gloss and the tiny glimpse of her tongue as she flicked off the last drops of blue. She set the drink down, reached for his hand again and laced their fingers together without looking at him.

His heart skipped a beat, but he held on as the rounds passed through several more times. The next table missed a few more questions and they were tied on the last round.

All they needed was to get this question right and hope the other couple missed again.

“What is the language of origin of the word infidelity?” asked the host on their next turn.

He felt like someone had slapped him in the face. Heated shame washed over him, and he turned to look at Rey as she quickly withdrew her hand from his.

“It’s Latin,” she announced flatly.

“Correct!”

And the round passed to the next table.

They sat in silence as the other couple missed the next question, “In what language does ‘farfalla’ mean ‘butterfly’?”

“Italian,” Ben muttered stiffly, as the announcer once again congratulated them on their win.

Rey say in silence, smiling weakly as everyone around them when back to their drinks.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally. “I didn’t realize…I mean, I shouldn’t have…” He let it linger, since he wasn’t sure what to apologize for. For being here? For having a girlfriend? For holding her hand and thinking about pretty and smart and funny she was every second of every goddamn day?

“It was my fault,” Rey responded quietly. “I knew you had a girlfriend and I still…Well, I still wanted to be around you. To spend time with you. I don’t know really know why, it just hit me the first time I saw you and I was so upset when Hux and Rose told me you were already with someone else. I thought we could just be friends, you know?”

He nodded, because he did know. He knew exactly.

“But I was fooling myself because I wanted more even though that wasn’t fair of me to ask of you.” She sounded so sad and guilty.

He reached for her hand again, wrapping her delicate fingers in his much larger ones. “It was my job to protect my relationship, Rey. I shouldn’t have even come here, feeling the way I do about you. I just convinced myself that I could keep it innocent because you didn’t want me the same way I wanted you.”

Her lips parted in surprise and then the sadness of the truth settled in her mind. “But I do, so we can’t be friends anymore, can we?”

He shook his head, giving her fingers a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t think we could ever be just friends, and Phasma…I’ve been with Phasma for such a long time. Over a year, now. She’s a good person and I love her. I don’t want to hurt her.”

She nodded. “You’re a good man, Ben. I don’t want to ruin anything that you have with someone you care about.”

He sat there for several minutes, holding her hand in his and absorbing all he could of the sight of her. It already hurt so much more than it should have. He barely knew her, not really, but the idea of letting go of her hurt him more than he thought possible.

“I guess, I should probably go,” she said finally and let her hand go as she started to gather up her things.

He stood when she did, throwing enough money on the table to cover both of their drinks and a tip and god knows what else because he wasn’t even paying attention.

“I’ll walk you out,” he said, because he didn’t want her to think he had any hard feelings about how things had gone between them.

She smiled and nodded, so he walked behind her as she stepped out into the damp spring air. It must have rained while they were inside.

“Are you planning on taking the bus again?” It was an innocent question. He knew she didn’t like to drive if she had been drinking and she usually had two or three fruity blue umbrella drinks on trivia night. Probably to calm her nerves, he realized now.

“Yes, definitely. There should be one coming by soon.”

“Right, it’s just…I could drive you. I only had half a beer, if that worries you. I feel bad about how things went tonight, and I want to make it up to you. Please, at least let me drive you home.”

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded. “Sure, it would be nice to make it home without having some stranger on the bus sniffing me. That actually happened last time,” she explained as she rolled her eyes at the joys of public transportation.

It was a short drive from the bar to her apartment and they spent it in tense silence. Her presence seemed to take up the entire space inside his small car, and the thought of her sitting in the seat that Phasma usually sat in made him slightly nauseous.

It was a betrayal. A bigger one than any he had committed so far, and he knew it.

He pulled up the curb, parking outside her building and staring up at the lights on the windows. All those people going about their lives, and he felt like his own was hanging in the balance.

“Thanks for the ride, Ben,” she said quietly, and he turned to face her in the confines of the small space. She was staring at him with wide eyes, hands clutched on the purse she was holding in her lap.

“You’re welcome.” His voice sounded distant and strained.

“I guess I’ll go up now,” she whispered, and he nodded.

He knew he should say something, anything, to fill the silence and finalize that goodbye before it was too late. Instead he waited, letting the sound of everything they weren’t saying hang in the air between them.

He hoped she wouldn’t say it, but he prayed that she would.

“Would you like to come up? I…I have coffee.”


	3. Choices are Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And thoughts invade, choices are made- Slow Fade, Casting Crowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the angst. Tagging this again for infidelity, please be kind to yourself

Rey’s words knocked the air out of his chest. She was looking him with wide eyes, and he wondered if she was as surprised to have said it as he was to have heard it.

He swallowed, the sound of it loud in his own ears as she waited for him to him to make a choice.

“Yeah…” he breathed. “I mean, yes…please. I like coffee.”

_The first time had seen Phasma, she had smiled at him sweetly as she reached for something on the grocery store shelf. He had thought she was cute in her yellow sundress and her blonde hair had been shorter back then. A feisty pixie cut that accented her face and showed off her earrings._

_She had been polite when he said hello, and he watched her from the corner of his eye as she added an item to her basket. She was watching him, too, he realized. Interesting._

_“I’m in a hurry,” she said casually, “do you want my number, or not?”_

_Her eyes were smiling when she gave it to him. He watched her as she walked away._

Rey’s apartment was on the third floor. The elevator ride was quiet, with each of them lost in their own thoughts.

He wondered if she would change her mind and ask him to leave.

He wondered if he would change his mind and go anyway.

The elevator dinged and the door slid open. She stepped out first, turning to look at him, a question that was more a plea in her eyes. He followed without saying a word. His presence was his answer.

_She answered on the first ring when he called. Shame had never really been Phasma’s way. She wanted him and never tried to hide it._

_He took her for coffee on the first date. Low pressure, just a friendly chat. Her presence was comfortable, and it made him feel relaxed._

_She was funny and she smiled a lot. She liked his jokes and told good ones of her own._

_He asked her to dinner for the second date. She said yes, and it felt right._

Rey fumbled the key in the lock, and he could see her hands were shaking. She shot him a weak smile and tried again, swinging the door open this time.

She flicked the light on as she stepped inside. He let his eyes wander over the small living room, the tiny kitchen.

Her space was exactly like she was. Quality furniture in bright colors, bookshelves with lots of plants and tiny knick-knacks, clutter that existed naturally without spilling over into chaos. It looked inviting, lived in, comfortable.

“I’m going to make the coffee,” she said, setting down her keys and kicking off her shoes by the door. “You can have a seat anywhere.”

Instead, he lingered by the kitchen, watching her as she moved around the small space. She had to stretch up onto her tiptoes to reach the shelf where she kept the coffee. The sight of her, with her feet bare and her top riding up to reveal a smooth expanse of skin on her torso, already had his heart pounding in his chest. Every nerve was electrified, every sensation heightened.

He felt too big, suddenly, in her space. Like he might break everything if he moved too fast. Maybe it was because she was so small, or maybe it was because he felt like one wrong move would send everything in his life crashing down around him.

_He took her Italian food and a movie. A horror flick that had her reaching for his hand as the monsters flashed on screen. He would learn later that she hated scary movies, as he learned many other things about her. She only went because she wanted to make him happy._

_She had held his hand in the car on the way back to her house, too, and kissed him on the cheek when he dropped her off._

“How do you take it?” Rey asked, pouring the deep brown liquid into a green mug.

“Black,” he said, watching her fingers wrap delicately around the cup as steam rose from the top.

Rey raised a disbelieving brow at him. “I swear I won’t tell anyone,” she said, smiling.

He reached to take the mug with a chuckle. “Do you have sugar? Hazelnut creamer? Black coffee is awful.”

“French vanilla ok?”

“Anything with flavor,” he affirmed.

Rey nodded, then reached for the sugar, dug liquid creamer out of the fridge.

She laid them on the counter and poured her own coffee in a matching cup. He watched in amusement as she added more sugar and creamer than he did. He didn’t drink his coffee black but not quite _white,_ either.

The silence stretched between them as the pretense began to fall away. She had invited him up for coffee and he had taken it. Each sip drained the cup in his hands and with it any legitimate reason for him to be here.

_Everything with Phasma always ran so smoothly, so comfortably. Coffee on the first date, dinner and a movie on the second. She asked him in after the third date, because that was the ‘right’ time. It had been pleasant and comfortable, as everything with her had been._

_She hadn’t given too little or demanded too much. His desire for her had hummed under the skin, an unassuming and expected experience as she pressed her lips to his, let her fingers slide through his hair._

_She had welcomed him in, and held him after, with a sweetness that had begun to settle her into his heart._

He set his empty cup on the counter. The sound was quiet, but Rey still jumped as though it shocked her. She wasn’t looking at him, was instead staring at her own coffee, cup clutched between her hands as she leaned against the counter.

“Would you like another cup?” Her voice was thin and strained, like she had to force the words out against her better judgment.

“No, I think that’s enough coffee for tonight.”

She nodded, setting her own cup down and reaching for his empty one. “Sure, I’ll just put these in the sink and show you out. I didn’t mean to keep you so late.”

He laid his hand on hers, stilling the movement as she tried to lift his cup from the counter. She froze, waiting.

He had only seconds left to make his choice.

Images of the past year chased themselves through his mind.

_She had gotten him a T-shirt with the logo of his favorite baseball team on it for his birthday, and a book he had been wanting for his collection for Christmas. She had pushed him into the pool on the 4 th of July and cried when she realized that she had ruined his phone. _

_They spent the weekend at the beach, and she picked out ‘their’ song from one that had come on the radio during the long drive home._

_She left a toothbrush in his bathroom, a change of clothes in his drawer. He hadn’t offered, but he hadn’t objected. She wanted him and she had felt no shame in pursuing it. He had allowed it, because she was comfortable and pleasant, and he had never felt that he was missing anything._

_Not until he had looked across the room during a boring housewarming party and realized that there could be so much_ more _than comfortable,_ more _than pleasant._

“Rey, I…”

She looked up at him, and her lips were parted, eyes wet with unshed tears. How the hell had he allowed all of this to happen?

Someone was going to get hurt, no matter which choice he made.

He tugged on her hand, pulling her closer until he could slide his other arm around her waist. She tipped her head back to look him and let go of her hand to wipe the first tear from her cheek.

He waited, letting his unspoken question settle into her mind. She placed one hand on his chest, tightening her fingers in the fabric of his shirt, and pushed herself up on her toes.

His decision was made.

He met her halfway, crushing his mouth to hers in a desperate attempt to get as close to her as possible. She parted her lips immediately, opening her mouth for the onslaught of his tongue as hands reached down to wrap around the curve of her ass.

He stepped forward, urging her back until he had her pinned against the kitchen counter, and then lifting her until she was sitting upon it.

She spread her legs, letting him step between her knees until he was pressed against the heat of her core. The extra height of the counter lined her up perfectly to rub against his rapidly hardening cock, and she moaned pressing herself against him and hooking one leg around his waist.

Her fingers were already tugging at his shirt buttons and he let go of her mouth long enough to help her finish unbuttoning it and tug it off.

She leaned back to look him, eyes wide as she looked over his chest and ran her fingers up his arms. He hooked his fingers under the hem of her blouse and lifted, pulling it up and over her head and tossing it aside.

Beneath it she wore only a blue lace bra and his breath hitched in his throat as he reached up to cup on breast in his hand. She leaned back, arching into his touch, hands pushing out to support her weight. Her green cup crashed to the ground, shattering at his feet and splashing her undrunk coffee on the walls and lower cabinets.

He ignored it, unable to focus on anything but the enjoyment on Rey’s face as he massaged her breast with his hand, his thumb sliding over the lace to tease her nipple. When he replaced his thumb with his mouth and tongue, she fisted her hands in his hair, holding him in place as her hips began to shift against him, seeking closeness that she couldn’t quite find.

In seconds his other hand had reached behind her to unhook the clasp of her bra and it had also been tossed aside.

She was perfect. Her eyes were half closed, and each labored breath gave a slight bounce to her breasts.

He wasn’t going to take her here, half lying on her own kitchen counter, but she would have let him, and he knew it. It was a thrill, a pure stroke to his ego, that he was absolutely certain that she would have given him anything he asked for in that moment.

Her arms wound around his neck and her legs around his waist as he lifted her again, turning from the kitchen and carrying her toward the living room. “Which way? Where’s the bedroom, Rey?”

“Second door to the right,” she muttered, and he walked in that direction, concentrating hard on not dropping her as she nibbled at his neck.

He pushed the door open and she slapped at the wall to the right until the light flicked on. Her bedroom had he same vivacious charm as the rest of the apartment and he laid her down on a sapphire blue comforter.

She tangled her fingers in his hair, holding him in place as he kissed her with violent urgency.

The buttons on her jeans gave way quickly beneath his fingers and he tugged them down her hips and over her thighs without ever taking his mouth from hers.

She kicked out of them and began to pull at his buttons while he ran his hands over her naked thighs.

“Hold on, hold on,” he breathed, standing up to push the last of his clothing off and crawling into the bed on top of her.

He wanted to go slowly, to take the time he to explore every inch of her, but she reached for him, tugging him on top of her and urging him with body to settle between her thighs.

“God, Rey, we need…please tell me you have protection somewhere in here?”

She reached out with one hand and tugged open the drawer the bedside table. He leaned over, reaching past the usual junk and assorted personal items and pulling out a condom.

He pressed a grateful and greedy kiss to her mouth as he tore it open and slid it on. He paused; his breathing heavy as he looked down at her.

“Are you sure?” He didn’t know why he needed to hear it. Maybe he already knew the destruction it was going to wreak on both of them and he needed to know that he hadn’t brought it down on her without her full permission.

She reached up, cupping his jaw in her hand. “I’m sure.”

He kept his eyes locked on hers as he reached between them and guided himself into her. Her eyes darkened as he pressed into her and she shifted beneath him to take more of him inside.

She was tight and hot and wet around him. Absolutely everything he had fantasized about and more. He had known she would be.

He gripped her hip as he began to move inside her. She moaned beneath him, moving in a greedy match to the punishing pace and rhythm he set. She took everything from him, until soon her was pounding into her as the sound of slapping flesh and panting, ragged breathing filled his ears.

Still, she demanded more. He pulled out of her abruptly, half rolling her beneath him until she was lying on her side and lifting her top leg until it rested against his shoulder. He pushed back into her roughly, filling her as fully as he could in her new, more open position.

He resumed his furious pace, each thrust now causing her to cry out as he reached new depths. He rubbed his finger over her clit, and she reached out for the blanket, digging her fingers into it as she began to come apart around him. He could feel the intensity of her orgasm as her muscles clenched around him.

A few more hard thrusts and his own body reached its peak, and he shuddered as he emptied himself into her. He pulled out of her, gently lowering her leg down to the mattress, and pressing a kiss to her arm.

He had already spotted the open bathroom door as he walked to the bedroom, so it was quick work to make his way there and dispose of the condom before returning to slide into bed beside her.

She snuggled into his arms, half asleep with a satisfied smile on her face.

He was completely drained and wanted nothing more than to stay here next to her forever.

What the hell had he done?


	4. A Price Will be Paid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A price will be paid, when you give yourself away- Slow Fade, Casting Crowns

Ben tipped his head back, letting it fall and come to rest on the back of his couch.

His phone was ringing.

Again.

It was Phasma.

Again.

How was he supposed to answer his phone and hear her voice when he had woken up in another woman’s bed this morning? When the sight of Rey with tumbled hair and sleepy eyes had been the first thing he had seen when the sun peaked over the horizon and it had felt so good and so right and much like home?

He’d been terrified that he would see regret on her face, but instead there had been only desire- hot and desperate as she had risen over him in the soft light of dawn. He didn’t think he would ever be able to forget the way she had looked as she had guided him inside her, her perfect lip caught between her teeth as she let out that first little moan of satisfaction when he filled her completely.

Was that what he was destined to see every time he closed his eyes now? The memory of her face as she stared into his eyes and drove them both over the edge into earth shattering oblivion?

He stirred at the low whine near his elbow and peaked one eye open to find a pair of soft brown eyes staring at him in judgement. He sighed and reached out to scratch behind her ear.

She was his first love. He had hated the emptiness of his house when he first moved in, wandering the rooms alone at night after work. The stop at the animal shelter had been a whim, but as soon as had seen her big, shaggy face through the kennel doors he had known she was the one for him.

His house had been covered in dog drool and black fur ever since, but it was no longer empty and hollow.

“Sorry, girl. I didn’t mean to be gone all night.” She had the doggie door, and plenty of food and water, but she’d been upset when he came home. She was as lonely without him as he had been without her.

Another lady he let down last night.

It seemed like he was getting good at that. They all deserved better than what he was giving them, and he had never felt more trapped, more helpless, in his life.

Still, he needed to do…something, before Phasma got angry and suspicious. He needed to buy some time to try and sort all this out and figure out what to do that would hurt as few people as possible.

He picked up his phone, staring at the blank screen for several minutes before realizing a generic excuse was the best he could come up with.

He typed out a few short sentences, apologizing and explaining that he wasn’t feeling well, and hit send.

He really wasn’t cut out for this. He didn’t know anything about lies and deception and hiding chunks of his life from people he cared about.

When his phone buzzed, he expected it to be Phasma again. Instead, Rey’s name popped up in screen.

He answered her, a knot in his stomach as he was once again hit with the overwhelming fear that she was going to tell him that it was all a mistake and she never wanted to see him again.

He knew it would be the right thing to do, but please, God, don’t let her do it.

“Hello?” He hated that desperate sound in his voice. It sounded weak and needy and vulnerable in a way that he had never been before.

“Hi,” her voice was quiet and uncertain-just as needy and just and vulnerable. “I just…I just called to ask if we were still good for Trivia Night next Wednesday? My friend asked me to have dinner this week, but I thought…maybe we still had plans already?”

He swallowed hard and ran a hand over his face. “Yeah, of course. We have to keep up our winning streak.”

There was a silence and he thought he heard her let go of her breath, like she had been holding it in for too long.

“Rey?”

“Hmm?”

“You want to have dinner at my house tonight?” He waited, holding his own breath as she paused.

“Yes,” she said finally. “Should I bring anything? Wine? Dessert?” There was another short pause. “A toothbrush for in the morning?”

He knew what she was asking. The same questions that had been haunting him since he had walked out of her apartment and closed the door behind him.

Is this done? Or are we going to let it consume us?

“I’ll take care of the wine and dessert. You just bring yourself…and anything else you need.” He had known the answer from the moment he saw her, even if he hadn’t been ready to face that truth.

“Ok, see you soon, Ben.”

He ended the call with shaking fingers, huffing out a breath in a rush as the weight of his choices warred inside him with the devastating need to see her- to have her here in his home, playing with his dog, sleeping in his bed.

He hadn’t asked her what she liked, so he hoped she would eat spaghetti. He was a shit cook otherwise.

***

She did in fact eat spaghetti, he discovered. She loved pasta and chocolate and morning breakfast smoothies.

She also loved his dog and spent so much time over the next several weeks petting her and rubbing her ears that Ben was nearly jealous.

She never complained about dog hair on her clothes and enjoyed lying around in her pajamas watching old horror flicks. Dracula was her favorite, and she liked to tease him that if his hair was a little longer, he could have a starring role in a modern adaptation.

They were together as often as he could manage it, spending their nights wrapped around each other in his bed most nights, or her apartment after Trivia Night just because it was closer and he didn’t want to wait the extra five minutes it would take to finish the drive to his house when he could be burying himself in her that much sooner if they just went to her place instead.

He had fucked her in every room in both places, every piece of furniture and every flat surface, and one night in a fit of desperation that he still found utterly mind boggling, in his car while it was parked in his own damn driveway.

So far, he had sidestepped Phasma’s attempts to spend any significant time together by claiming he had the flu and then that he needed to catch up on what he had gotten behind on at the office.

She seemed sympathetic, but he knew she was going to get suspicious eventually. He was going to have to end things with her, that much had become abundantly clear over the past weeks. He had struggled, trying to piece together the right way to end things without hurting her any more than he had to.

He didn’t want to bring up Rey at all, afraid it would just add an unnecessary insult to the breakup. He had settled finally on what was the simplest version of the truth. He knew she wanted more, that she had for a long time, and that he couldn’t give it to her.

He had asked her to come over tomorrow afternoon, so he only had a few more hours of the tense shaky feeling he had been carrying around with him.

He was going to be doing penance for this for the rest of his life- trying to make up for the pain he had caused and his own pathetic dishonesty- and he knew it, but he couldn’t find it in him to regret it.

Not when Rey looked up from the cup of coffee she was holding and smiled at him like he was the only thing in the world that really mattered to her at all.

She was sitting on his couch, looking entirely too small and ridiculous in his bathrobe as she finished her coffee before getting ready for work.

She had brought things to his house, a neat little packed bag that held her clothes and her toiletries. He wanted to ask her to bring all of it, pack everything she owned and just move it all in, but he knew he needed to wait until he talked to Phasma and he was a free man before he asked anything else of Rey.

Before he told her how much he loved her.

It was too much and impossibly soon but it was there, nonetheless. He was absolutely certain that she felt the same way.

He could see it when she looked at him, feel it in the way her hand lingered in his at every opportunity like she never wanted to let go.

Right now, she was looking at him like she wanted him more than she wanted breakfast.

“I think you do it on purpose,” she said, with an exaggerated pout.

“Do what?” he asked, but he couldn’t stop the small hint of a smile that tugged at his lip. He knew exactly what she was referring to and he absolutely did it on purpose.

“You come out of the bathroom with that wet hair and wearing nothing but a towel every morning. You know what that does to me.”

He glanced down, faking surprise at his own naked torso. Water droplets still clung to his stomach and had let the towel cling dangerously low on his hips. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Rey.”

She grinned at him and set her coffee down on the table beside the couch. He lifted a brow at her when she crooked a finger at him, beckoning him closer.

“Can I help you?” he teased. “Something you need this morning?”

She nodded, a mischievous smile on her face as she watched him walk closer.

He towered over her as he stopped in front of her, and she winked at him when she hooked a finger in his towel and wiggled it loose, so it fell to the floor at his feet.

“Oops,” she said softly, letting her eyes drift from his face all the way down to the towel at his feet. He could feel her eyes on him, and he flushed with pleasure at her obvious enjoyment of his body.

She giggled at her own audacity, leaning back on the couch cushions and leaving him standing in front of her naked and already more than half hard.

“Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?” he growled playfully, scooping her up in smooth motion and tickling her mercilessly while stripping his robe from her wriggling body.

She was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face and she took a vicious nip at his right hip made him yelp.

“That’s what you get,” she said smugly as she hung upside down over his shoulder, the only part of the robe that was still on her was the sleeve hanging on her left wrist.

“Yeah?” he asked, giving her a quick slap on the ass that made her squeal.

He set on her feet, pulling her roughly into his arms as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“I probably do need to get ready for work,” she muttered, but she was staring at his lips and she tipped her head up early when he lowered his mouth to hers.

They both heard it, the sudden sound of the front door being swung open and the sound of a woman’s heels clicking on his tile entryway.

Rey yelped, jumping behind him to shield her nakedness as he reached for the robe that was dangling from her arm to try and cover himself. The unfortunate result, when Phasma stepped into view, was finding Ben naked in his living room with Rey crouched behind him, her head pressed to his hip and her left arm extended across his body as he clutched the robe to his waist.

“Ben, I don’t know what’s going on but…” Phasma’s voice trailed off as she took in the painfully awkward scene in front of her. “What the fuck….”

“Phasma, I can explain!” He cringed as he said it. How pathetic and predictable.

He tried to take a step forward, but he was only dragging Rey with him, so he stopped helplessly. He hated himself for doing this to her, to both of them, he thought as Rey pressed her face to his side and he felt the hot tears that she was trying to hide.

Phasma lifted her chin and there were no tears in her eyes, her pride would never let her cry in front of him now. “Is this what you’ve been doing? What you’ve been hiding from me?”

He didn’t answer. They both knew that truth.

She shook her in disgust, looking at him like he was a bug that had just crawled out from beneath a rock. He didn’t blame her. He felt like one.

She didn’t say another word, turning on her heel and stalking toward the door. He heard the jangle of her keys and the distinct sound of his house key hitting the tile floor before the door slammed behind her.

He let go of the robe, reaching desperately to pull Rey out from behind him. His heart was racing in his chest and couldn’t breathe. He knew she was crying, and he was expecting her to lash out at him, to pull away and leave him standing here alone.

He had ruined everything.

Instead, she clung to him and sobbed into his chest as he rubbed her hair. “God, Ben! I’m so sorry! I should never have called you after that stupid party! Look what I’ve done! Did you see how angry she was? How hurt?”

“Please don’t,” he begged. “Please don’t blame yourself for this. It was my responsibility to handle my relationship and I failed. I failed both of you. I can’t and won’t regret finding you, but I should have been a fucking adult about it. I should have broken up with her as soon as I realized I had feelings for you. Trying to avoid hurting her, hurt her a hell of a lot more.”

He let his chin rest on her head she cried and let the bitterness of his regret wash over him.


	5. Give Yourself Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you give yourself away  
> People never crumble in a day- Slow Fade, Casting Crowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was always meant to be a bit short, just wrapping things up now that the major drama is over. CW for mention of having kids/family some day.

_Six months later_

“I still think they’re cheating,” Rey muttered under her breath, staring at the couple at the table them with narrowed eyes.

Ben smiled, tipping his beer to his lips to hide his smile. She always thought they were cheating, but it never mattered. He and Rey were the trivia champions nearly every week anyway.

They had maintained their Wednesday night trivia date over the past several months and it had been an anchor to them in the fallout of Phasma’s discovery.

The weeks that followed had been hell for them.

Phasma hadn’t been vindictive, she hadn’t slashed his tires or thrown eggs at his windows, but she had made no attempt to hide the reason for the breakup and everyone, from casual friends to Ben’s own parents, had been plenty eager to dispense criticism and disgust for his actions.

He hadn’t blamed them.

There was nothing they could say that would begin to touch on his own self recrimination for hurting someone he cared about. Phasma had not been perfect, but she had been innocent and the hurt he caused her had haunted him every day.

He had tried to apologize, to take responsibility, to offer an explanation that it had been his own weakness, and no fault of hers, that things had gone wrong between them.

She had wanted no explanations and tolerated no apology. She had asked him to gather her things, to leave them outside the front door, and she had picked them up while he was at work.

The last he had seen of her had been her walking out the door the day she had caught him with Rey.

He had been overrun with guilt, and much of the first few weeks had been spent simply sitting with his head in Rey’s lap as they processed the destruction their choices had wrought.

Rey had cried often, asking him repeatedly if he wanted her to go, if he blamed her for the way things had happened between them.

He had rejected the thought, the idea along of losing her had been more than he could bear.

There never been any question of letting her go but forging a path forward with her at his side had been difficult. There was so much anger and hurt that he had been forced to navigate and she had taken the worst of it.

Not that she had complained, he admitted, rubbing her hand with his thumb as she shot him a bright smile. They had gotten another point and she was always happy when they won. Rey was extremely competitive.

She was also very likable, which had been the biggest blessing as they had begun to build a new life together.

Han and Leia had grumbled when he brought her to the first family dinner, his parents had liked Phasma after all, but Rey’s infectious laugh and unbridled enthusiasm for life, and for Ben, had softened them faster than he would have though possible.

Phasma had been wonderful, they had confessed, but Rey was simply perfect for him. They disapproved of his methods, but they understood and supported his choice.

They had helped her move into his house a few weeks ago, saddened when they learned that she had no close family of her own, and Leia had shed happy tears when he asked her for his grandmother’s engagement ring.

It lay heavily in his pocket, waiting for the right moment to ask her. Somehow, he thought that tonight be the right time. Trivia night was important to them, a sentimental bond, and she was the happiest he had seen her yet.

They had made an impulsive stop at the animal shelter that morning, and Rey had picked out the ugliest and grumpiest cat he had ever seen. She was glowing over the new addition, and his once empty house had begun to feel like a home to both of them.

She added light and laughter, a few houseplants, a throw pillow or twelve, and he had begun to ponder what it would be like to fill it with the sounds of children playing.

Rey would be an amazing mother.

He could imagine it now, Han and Leia’s reaction to being grandparents. They would certainly spoil his kids even more than they had spoiled him, and Rey had mentioned that she would like a large family someday.

Would four kids be enough? He should ask her soon, once he got her to agree to marry him.

The host asked them their next question and he turned to answer, but the words died on his lips.

Phasma was walking through the crowd, headed to the bar. She had already spotted him, and his eyes locked on hers.

Time stopped for a moment, and he froze, unsure of how she would react to seeing him here, sitting at a table with Rey, her hand clutched in his.

To his surprise, she smiled briefly before turning to greet someone already seated on a barstool, a young man who stood to greet her enthusiastically. She laughed at whatever he had said, pressing a quick kiss to lips before settling in at the bar stool next to him.

Ben was certain he had already been forgotten.

Phasma looked well and happy. Happier honestly than he ever remembered her being when she was with him. She seemed to have found what she was looking for and he was glad.

The last of the guilt that had been carrying for months slid from his shoulders.

“She looks happy.” Rey’s voice cut into his thoughts and he pressed a kiss to her knuckles before giving her a brief smile.

“She does. I’m glad. I’m happy but I hate that I hurt someone in the process.”

She nodded, because she understood very well the price he had paid to be with her, and that some of that price, unfairly, had been Phasma’s pain.

Rey squeezed his hand and he took another drink of his beer before they answered the final question correctly. They had won again, and Rey winked at him, taking another sip from her pink umbrella drink.

He was overwhelmed by emotion, love and gratitude that he had found her, that she had chosen him, that they had weathered the impossible storm together and come out whole on the other side.

“Will you marry me?”

He almost regretted asking when she choked on the drink, coughing and staring at him with wide eyes.

“Wh…what?”

He reached into his pocket, pulled out the black ring box, and flipped it open with his thumb. The ring inside was a simple gold band, with a single diamond.

“Marry me?” She looked from him to the ring and back again, tears forming in her eyes. “I know it isn’t much, it was my grandmother’s. I thought you might like it. They were married for 52 years, so it seemed like it might be good luck, but…”

He never finished the sentence, because she launched herself at him, narrowly missing knocking everything off the table to wrap her arms around him and rain kisses onto his face.

“Yes, yes! I will marry you, tomorrow if you want to! I love the ring and I’m glad it’s not fancy and I can’t believe that you gave me something that belonged to your grandmother and I love you so much!”

He laughed, relieved by her happy babble, and pushed the ring into her finger.

She stared at it, smiling the same bright smile that had captured his heart in the beginning. “First a cat and now this. You really do know how to spoil a woman.”

He shook his head, marveling at the miracle that had brought her into his life. It had been over for him the moment he saw her, and now he would never be without her again.


End file.
